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Chuck Norris Trading facts

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Stockholm (tradingportalen.com/John Lönnqvist ) – Sann tradingnörd som jag är, så skrattar jag högt här hemma när jag ibland kikar tbx på de här gamla sköna citaten som jag hittade på ett tradingforum för länge sedan:




• Chuck Norris has no Stop Loss, because he never loses.
• When Chuck Norris was a Trainee learning to trade, the Markets adapted to him.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t predict the price of oil. Oil just does whatever the fuck Chuck Norris says!
• The lie was not that Chuck Norris owned Enron. He did. But he didn’t lose money. He made a huge profit on his LONG investment in Enron. Nobody has the guts to question how.
• When told of ”Fear and Greed” and their roles in the market, Chuck Norris had to ask what ”fear” meant.
• Chuck Norris RECEIVES a commission every time he trades.
• Options are a zero-sum game. Except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris ALWAYS wins.
• The world is not going through a food crisis because of speculation – Chuck Norris simply had a larger breakfast than usual.
• Chuck Norris determines the Bid/Ask when he trades
• One time Chuck Norris took a loss on a trade so he round house kicked it….a loss has never showed up again.
• Chuck Norris was short a million of bear stearns shares two days before rumors hit the street. He recalls the position as one of his least successful trades…
• Chuck Norris can buy the bid, sell the ask and kick your face twice in the mean time.
• Chuck doesn’t trade with the trends. Trends follow his trades…
• Chuck Norris doesn’t speculate when he trades hundreds of contracts on hogs, wheat, corn, OJ, coffee, etc – This is how he goes grocery shopping.
• Chuck is on the other side of every losing trade you make
• Chuck Norris never meets resistance in the market it wouldn’t dare.
• Chuck Norris went on a shopping spree last weekend and charged $350M on his Mastercard. – Hence, Mastercard will report a charge off of $350M in next quarter’s earnings release. – NOBODY asks Chuck Norris for payment.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t have to put in orders to make a profit, he stares at his P&L until it shows up out of fear.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t have a P&L statement. Chuck Norris never has a loss.
• Chuck Norris is not concerned with overnight risk. He simply gives the evil eye to the markets before going to sleep.’
• Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He lays quietly hoping that the markets deceive him so he can have an excuse to obliterate the financial world as we know it. And His pillow is His gun.
• There was no earthquake in China. – Chuck Norris was trading the HSI and pounded his fist on the table because the index did not follow his instructions exactly.
• Chuck Norris starts his trading day after the closing bell.
• When Chuck Norris buys options, they don’t expire. Ever.
• The market doesnt fill gaps when it wants to. Chuck Norris Tells the market when to fill them. – he only reason a market has gaps in the first place is because Chuck punched a hole in it.
• Chuck norris has trading screens in front of him and behind him….for the eyes in the back of his head
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his excellent trading ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
• Chuck Norris owns the barrels that crude is shipped in.
• Chuck Norris trades the ES blindfolded using only braille at the same time doing a hip hop mash up of Beethoven’s 9th symphony in Japanese…
• Chuck norris buys 10 barrels of oil a day, just to oil his biceps. He uses another 10 to oil his dick for the nightcap. Nobody ever hears from these women again.
• When Chuck Norris logs into his trading platform, he sees only those trades with the perfect set-up. He programmed the software himself. A dirty look is all it took.
• Trading curbs were not created to keep the markets from plunging during periods of great volatility.
• They were created to allow Chuck Norris to refill his coffee cup during times of great volatility. Chuck Norris doesn’t care if the markets plunge. He was the one that told it to plunge.
• Chucks trading strategy is 50% short, 50% long, and 100% deadly.
• Chuck Norris sent the following items to the IRS in 1977; – A picture of himself. – A blank 1040 form with his name on the top and ”FUCK YOU” scribbled in blood across the front. – He has never heard from the IRS again.
• Chuck Norris had insider information on one of his trades. The SEC had the audacity to make a phone call to question the trade. – The conversation went something like this: – SEC: Mr Norris, We are calling in rega…. – then dead silence. – Chuck Norris had reached through the phone and choked the SEC investigator to death.
• Chuck Norris does not watch the market, the market watches him.
• Global warming has been found to be caused by Chuck Norris doing pushups, which is spiraling the earth closer to the sun.
• Chuck Norris is traded on the nasdaq under the symbol PAIN. No one can trade it except for Chuck Himself.
• There are no back swan events in the markets. It’s just Chuck Norris kicking your ass on the other side of your trades.
• Chuck turned down a seat on the CBOE. First, he doesn’t sit – he stands. Second, he doesn’t ‘exchange’. He takes.
• On Monday, October 19, 1987 Chuck Norris decided it was time to sell some of his stocks.
• With one mighty Karate chop, Chuck Norris invented the first stock split.
• Chuck Norris is Short Crude, Long Airlines and positive in all Trades
• Chuck Norris uses Point and Figure charts for his trading. – He ”points” to the price level he would like the market to be at… – And the rest of us ”figure” how to trade the market to that price level.
• On Mar 10, 2000, when Nasdaq was at 5048, the trend made the mistake of calling Chuck Norris friend. He roundkicked Nasdaq’s ass all the way down to 1300.
• Chuck Norris decides at the end of the day in which currency his profits are banked.
• When Chuck was a specialist , he was providing a one sided market to spare time.
• Chuck Norris scalps exclusively via phone orders to the pit.
• Chuck Norris once considered automated trading. The code he wrote in one hour was not only predicting future prices, it was also polishing his boots, cutting his cigars and preparing glasses of cognac in the meantime.
• Chuck Norris is so fast that it only takes him 30 seconds to watch 60 Minutes
• ”Chuck Norris finds some trading terminologies unrelevant. Everything he does in options should be called a strangle”

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HedgeNordic Editorial Team
HedgeNordic Editorial Team
This article was written, or published, by a member of the HedgeNordic editorial team.

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